Quiet Thoughts

Whenever I sit quietly, either because I am not in a talkative mood or because I just want to be alone with my thoughts, it goes without fail that someone asks what is wrong.

Almost always I can replay with an honest “nothing”, but then the follow-up question always seems to be “Then what are you thinking about?”.

As fate would have it, this exact scenario played out earlier this week. And on this particular day I was not only in a non-talkative mood, but also wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

Giving someone the easy answer of “nothing is wrong” is never so easy. At least not for me. If I decided to share, where do I start? How am I supposed to explain all the things in my head?

Do I talk about how I don’t love my retail job anymore? Or that my career isn’t growing?

Do I talk about my foot injury and my frustrations with not being able to run?

Do I talk about the larger than life goals I want to achieve before my 30th birthday (May 2015)?

Do I talk about my health and my personal concerns with my weight and emotional eating?

Do I talk about the rocky relationship I have with my mother my constant need to fix it?

So many things! So many personal conversations that I could have with other people but I only have them with myself. Often times I don’t even know how to open up about it on the blog.

My most recent challenge is how do I keep my thoughts to myself without being rude or coming off like something is really wrong. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk about things with just anyone until have it all figured out for myself. Or sometimes I don’t want to talk about it at all.

In some ways I’ve always been like this. And perhaps it’s gotten worst recently.

I know the distant look in my eyes comes from a lack of self fulfillment. I feel incomplete. All the things I mentioned above can be tied back to a need for accomplishment.

While I don’t know how to answer the lingering questions in my head, or the ones from those around me, it’s because I am processing a new beginning. I am planning, researching, dreaming, wondering, and learning. Somewhere, deep in my thoughts, I am laying the groundwork for a new tomorrow.

And if it ends up or the blog or not, I always find a way to journal my deepest thoughts. Work shopping them one quiet moment at a time.

One thing that has always been true; I want to be a better version of myself.

Hiding In The Shadows

A few weeks ago Alex had a 9am dentist appointment over in Melbourne Beach which is about a 15 minute drive from home. His aunt is one the receptionists so it’s always a family affair when we go for an appointment. While Alex was in for his cleaning I chatted up his aunt about local places to go for brunch. She recommended two places and after a quick Google search the Scrambled Egg Café caught our attention.

Upon arriving at the café I noticed a Yelp sticker on their front door that sparked my interest. I downloaded the app and created an account. After a delicious breakfast I logged back into Yelp and left a raving review. Which brings me to now…

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I was surfing the twitters yesterday when I noticed a few people posted check-ins from Yelp. I became curious and logged back into an account that I had since forgotten. Once logged in, Yelp was asking me to update my profile with more information. Add friends, cities, a quote, and other normal “get-to-know-you” kind of stuff. There was even a line for a blog address. I saved my info without adding my blog. Which is silly because I love my blog!

Why wouldn’t I want to share it?

This all got me thinking. I don’t share my blog with anyone in my day-to-day life except Alex and my best friend. None of my social media applications are interconnected, really.

— I have a personal Facebook, but not one for the blog.
— I don’t share my blog on Facebook, but I do share it on Twitter.
— Twitter is linked to my blog’s email, not my personal email – which is linked to Facebook.
— I don’t link my Twitter posts to my personal Facebook.
— Pinterest does not show my blog.
— Instagram will post to Twitter and Facebook, but that doesn’t show my blog either.
— And I did not list my blog on Yelp.

It’s been nearly two years since my Blog Bullying incident, but I am still hiding in the shadows. I don’t share my blogging with family, friends, or co-works. It’s not something I speak about in my daily life. I am fully aware that if someone really wanted to find my blog, they could, but I go out of my way not to advertise it.

Since my blog is such a big part of me, hiding it makes me feel like I am living a double life. I want to put it out there and I want to share it – after all Share is one of my words for 2013.

Alex says it’s a private thing and I shouldn’t have to share. But I feel like what I am doing (trying to do) is a very public thing. I am in a state of limbo. Torn between life and the blog.

This blog is a part of who I am, who I am becoming. It’s part of my identity now.  Just like my need to lose weight, be healthier, achieve a 5k PR, run a half marathon, and cook new foods. It’s all a part of the me I’m trying to create. The me that’s healthier; the me that’s better.

What happened two years ago is still resonating inside me and I’m not sure how to put myself out there again. I am not sure that I can put myself out there.

I’m fearful of the jokes, the ridicule, the judgments, and the finger-pointing.

I’m scared.

I am still here, but I am hiding in the shadows trying not to be seen by the most prominent people in my life. I’m also hiding from all my friends “acquaintances” on Facebook. I fear their judgement when they read a blog about my actual weight or that my weight is even an issue.

My blog, this blog, is real. It’s me. Real feelings, real fears, and real life.

Just like I needed your love and support then, I still need it now. It’s not easy to overcome fears and broken hearts. The first step is always the hardest.  Hopefully I can find the strength and courage to Share more publicly in 2013!

Thank you, friends, for understanding.