Whenever I sit quietly, either because I am not in a talkative mood or because I just want to be alone with my thoughts, it goes without fail that someone asks what is wrong.
Almost always I can replay with an honest “nothing”, but then the follow-up question always seems to be “Then what are you thinking about?”.
As fate would have it, this exact scenario played out earlier this week. And on this particular day I was not only in a non-talkative mood, but also wanted to be alone with my thoughts.
Giving someone the easy answer of “nothing is wrong” is never so easy. At least not for me. If I decided to share, where do I start? How am I supposed to explain all the things in my head?
Do I talk about how I don’t love my retail job anymore? Or that my career isn’t growing?
Do I talk about my foot injury and my frustrations with not being able to run?
Do I talk about the larger than life goals I want to achieve before my 30th birthday (May 2015)?
Do I talk about my health and my personal concerns with my weight and emotional eating?
Do I talk about the rocky relationship I have with my mother my constant need to fix it?
So many things! So many personal conversations that I could have with other people but I only have them with myself. Often times I don’t even know how to open up about it on the blog.
My most recent challenge is how do I keep my thoughts to myself without being rude or coming off like something is really wrong. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk about things with just anyone until have it all figured out for myself. Or sometimes I don’t want to talk about it at all.
In some ways I’ve always been like this. And perhaps it’s gotten worst recently.
I know the distant look in my eyes comes from a lack of self fulfillment. I feel incomplete. All the things I mentioned above can be tied back to a need for accomplishment.
While I don’t know how to answer the lingering questions in my head, or the ones from those around me, it’s because I am processing a new beginning. I am planning, researching, dreaming, wondering, and learning. Somewhere, deep in my thoughts, I am laying the groundwork for a new tomorrow.
And if it ends up or the blog or not, I always find a way to journal my deepest thoughts. Work shopping them one quiet moment at a time.
One thing that has always been true; I want to be a better version of myself.