Quiet Thoughts

Whenever I sit quietly, either because I am not in a talkative mood or because I just want to be alone with my thoughts, it goes without fail that someone asks what is wrong.

Almost always I can replay with an honest “nothing”, but then the follow-up question always seems to be “Then what are you thinking about?”.

As fate would have it, this exact scenario played out earlier this week. And on this particular day I was not only in a non-talkative mood, but also wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

Giving someone the easy answer of “nothing is wrong” is never so easy. At least not for me. If I decided to share, where do I start? How am I supposed to explain all the things in my head?

Do I talk about how I don’t love my retail job anymore? Or that my career isn’t growing?

Do I talk about my foot injury and my frustrations with not being able to run?

Do I talk about the larger than life goals I want to achieve before my 30th birthday (May 2015)?

Do I talk about my health and my personal concerns with my weight and emotional eating?

Do I talk about the rocky relationship I have with my mother my constant need to fix it?

So many things! So many personal conversations that I could have with other people but I only have them with myself. Often times I don’t even know how to open up about it on the blog.

My most recent challenge is how do I keep my thoughts to myself without being rude or coming off like something is really wrong. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk about things with just anyone until have it all figured out for myself. Or sometimes I don’t want to talk about it at all.

In some ways I’ve always been like this. And perhaps it’s gotten worst recently.

I know the distant look in my eyes comes from a lack of self fulfillment. I feel incomplete. All the things I mentioned above can be tied back to a need for accomplishment.

While I don’t know how to answer the lingering questions in my head, or the ones from those around me, it’s because I am processing a new beginning. I am planning, researching, dreaming, wondering, and learning. Somewhere, deep in my thoughts, I am laying the groundwork for a new tomorrow.

And if it ends up or the blog or not, I always find a way to journal my deepest thoughts. Work shopping them one quiet moment at a time.

One thing that has always been true; I want to be a better version of myself.

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One thought on “Quiet Thoughts

  1. kefael2013

    For what it’s worth, you are not alone. Being a 67 year old male, with similar thoughts; I’ve learned that there is in each of us, a place that belongs to someone other than ourselves. Nor does it belong to anyone else, we might know. I call it a God spot. Where He alone can fill that void. It requires us to get alone, and get quiet. He will speak to us if we are listening. Personally, I prefer to be alone, with my thoughts. There aren’t many people I would trust with my thoughts, and then try to put them down for everyone to see and comment on. A scary thought. But maybe it’s therapy. Good writing.

    Reply

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