Drinking Hot Cocoa

There is one truth I will always say about myself: If I am having a rough day (for whatever reason) I will always drink hot cocoa.

It can be 95 degrees and 100% humidity, but I will still seek out a cup of cocoa if the circumstances are right. For the past 2 weeks the circumstances have been perfect for drinking hot cocoa. Thankfully, the weather hasn’t been above 80.

I am dealing with my PCOS and other diagnosis’. I am talking to Dr’s, going to treatment sessions, take the appropriate medications, and all the recommended vitamins. I am acknowledging my faults, and correcting my lifestyle. I am open and honest about how I am  feeling — both physical and emotional. Getting well is a priority, but it’s hard. It’s stressful.

Despite all the love and support from family and friends, I feel secluded. I feel like I am hanging out at the end of a long rope, all alone, with a never-ending tap of hot cocoa. I know I am not, but there are moments when I just want someone to hug me and tell me it’s going to be ok.

I don’t like playing the poor me card. I don’t like telling people that things aren’t ok. I don’t like sharing what I am up against. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, or act like I am damaged. So, no matter how miserable or sick I feel, I grab a hot cocoa and get on with my day.

As things currently stand I am getting better everyday. Slowly, but daily. The hair loss has come to a minimum, my appetite is slowly returning, feelings of sadness aren’t so regular, and anger (aggressiveness) towards others (my mom) is controlled. Depression doesn’t feel so scary. Unlike before I can actually recognize signals and ques from my body. For the most part, I can adapt and move on like a normal member of society.

Hot cocoa is a non-verbal communication that things aren’t ok. That I am not ok. I sip on my cup of hot cocoa and secretly pray that the pieces of my life are put back together. The one small part of my heart is missing. That one part of my soul is lacking. My light doesn’t burn quite so bright. I pray that my health has been restored and the love of my life is by my celebrating a sweet victory. Health and love, two of the most sought out blessings in life.

One cup of cocoa at a time.

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