Once I was diagnosed with PCOS I wanted to learn everything I could about what I was up against.
It was easy to acknowledge that weight gain and hair loss were two major symptoms and side effects of PCOS. I can cope with those things.
What I am struggling with is the Depression.
Signs started to creep in months ago. I talked about myself being fat or ugly even though Alex worked endlessly to assure me I was beautiful. I became aggressive and defensive. I shut myself down. I pushed people away. I picked fights when a fight was not necessary. I always wanted to be right and I rarely said sorry. I was overly emotional about everything. I lost motivation and drive. I was fatigued when there was no reason to be.
PCOS, hormones, depression, and weight gain are working together in a vicious cycle. My body is fighting against me. My body is rejecting the everyday girl I really am. The girl who Alex fell in love with. The girl that everyone knows.
Depression does hurt. Unknown illnesses effect even the strongest person.
Things really came to a head this week after a series of chats with Alex and my Dr. I didn’t realize how off I really was and how horrible I was feeling. There is no telling when all this started, but I know it’s been going on for a while. The best way for me to describe it is that I got into a rut of a new “normal” and I just accepted that’s how things needed to be.
The “ah-ha” moment came a few days ago. I was having a rough and painful day (both physically and emotionally). In Alex’s words: “You are CRAZY!”. I was pretty out there. But then he said something else to me. “My mom is surprised we didn’t break up before I left for the internship. She could see our relationship change.” I know he didn’t tell me to hurt me, but it was just the punch in the gut I needed. I spent the next 24 hours thinking about those words.
I cry (not because of hormones or depression) but because I am realizing all the damages I’ve caused. All the relationships I’ve tainted or ruined. The two my regrettable and damaged are the ones with my mom and Alex.
At this point it is more than just managing the PCOS and regulating my body again. It’s about rebuilding relationships. I know my mom loves, cares for me, and will always be there. She has her faults too, but she is my mom! On the same token, I know Alex will support me and be a friend. Honestly, I can’t live with just that. I can’t accept that I became a person so unrecognizable. I can’t accept that he tried countless times to talk to me and I dismissed everything. I can’t except that our relationship is gone.
Sharing love with Alex became my greatest pride and a bright spot in my day. It wasn’t just on special occasions that I felt the magic, it was every day that I got to be with him. I love him more than words on a blog can express. I love everything about him and everything about us. I love that I can be his person. It’s not just about me, but being on a journey with him. He makes it special and I am will never stop apologizing for taking that for granted.
I am battling to manage the PCOS and depression because I need to feel whole again. I am battling because I must repair things within myself and with others. I need my mom to know that she is a valued person in my life. I need to prove to Alex that the girl he fell in love with was just buried under uncontrollable emotions and feelings. I am battling because I am strong, and I am strong enough to stand by him for the duration of the internship at Disney. I am the daughter, girlfriend, and friend that everyone deserves. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to them.
I am not broken or damaged. I am strong, confident, beautiful, and I will be successful. With love and support, I know everything will come together again.
Alex always runs on the thought that if someone tells him he can’t do something, he will fight that much harder to prove them wrong. I am in that boat. I am going to manage this. It will not beat me anymore. It will not change me anymore. I will be in control and I will rebuild all that I tore down. Every night I pray for myself and my health. I also pray that everyone, not just Alex, keep an open heart and mind when I reach out, ask for forgiveness, and share my love.