Day 689.

As it sit down to type, the hands on the clock simultaneously struck 12.
Tuesday, March 5th, 2013.
Day 689.

Alex is coming home for the first time in two weeks. It’s been the longest two weeks of my entire life. In that time I learned that our relationship wasn’t where it needed to be, learned that I have PCOS, and got another diagnosis that I have yet to share publicly. Alex was in a car accident, things got dicey at work, and the world kept shaking. I also learned how important Alex is to me, how important our relationship is, and just how deep my love runs for him.

To me, two weeks has been an eternity. In the time between hitting publish to seeing him later today will probably also feel like an eternity. I have been waiting for this day for two weeks. I’ve been waiting to see him again, look into his eyes, and find ourselves again.

Right now I feel just like I did before our first date. Except this time I don’t just like a guy, I am madly in love with THIS guy. I am nervous. I am scared. I am full of anticipation. I am giddy. I am in love.

There is no denying that I will cry when I see him. I want to kiss him like I’ve never kissed him before. I want to hold him tight and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I want this day to be just like our very first date, and all the days we had after. But what if it doesn’t go like that? I’ve played Day 689 out in my head so many times.

How do we spend our time? What if this is our one shot? What if I screw up? What if I can’t get over my hurt and pain? What if he stops feeling the love?  I know this guy better than anyone, yet I can’t figure out what do or how to be. I know, be myself. He loves ME, after all!

I feel so out-of-body, so out of touch. I’ve never felt so emotional, so unstable.

Alex has ALWAYS been the one thing I am certain about. Sure, in the beginning I had some doubts and questions, but he made those disappear. I fell in love and the rest took care of its self. He’s always been my rock. My steady. My calm.

I don’t know how to put aside my fears of being hurt (hurting more). I don’t want to spend our time with my guard up, but I don’t want to miss out. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want to waste another day, another minute.

Do I make the first move? Should I be the first to bring up the tough stuff? Do I hold his hand in the car? So many questions. I’ve never been in this place before and it’s a really scary place. I never thought we would be here.

I know a long road awaits us, with a lot of rebuilding. Hopefully that starts today, Day 689. Watering the seed, little by little, and growing our relationship to be stronger than before.

I am sorry.

Right now this blog seems just as all over the place as I am. I doubt I will get much sleep tonight. I’ll be closing my eyes, pointing my hands to the sky, and saying a lot of prayers.

Be a best friend, tell the truth
And overuse “I love you”
Go to work, do your best
Don’t outsmart your common sense
Never let your prayin’ knees get lazy
And love like crazy

— Lee Brice


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