Diagnosed. {Dear Alex}

Whew. It’s been a rough week. One that I may never forget. And this morning I received the call I have been so anxious for. My blood results were in.

With deep breaths and a rapid pulse I listened attentively as Dr. Z explained everything to me. I scribbled notes all over a note pad so I would be armed with all the info. I bet she could sense my nerves and fears because she told me a full report was available on my virtual patient account, complete with links and other information.

Diagnosis: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). A problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease.
Symptoms of PCOS: are caused by changes in hormone levels. There may be one or more causes for the hormone level changes. A few of the main symptoms that I have been faced with are: irregular cycles, thinning hair, weight gain, horrible mood swings — all feelings up to and including depression. Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts on their ovaries. These cysts are not generally harmful but can lead to extreme hormone imbalances.
The irregular cycles were the most evident symptom for me. Sure, I knew my hair was thinning and that I was gaining weight, but I never assumed that all these things together could go together. The symptom I never really recognized or admitted to were my emotions. I’ll explain more in a bit.
How is it treated? Regular exercise, healthy foods, and weight control are key treatments for PCOS. Specifically, she wants me to be a low carb girl. No bread, rice, pasta, cereal, etc and no simple carbs. I need to focus on eating heart healthy foods, getting 3-4 days a week of moderate exercise, and weight loss. She has also prescribed me medicines to balance hormones since mine were just so far out of whack and balance.

So, there you have it. But now I have something important to get off my chest.

As I mentioned earlier this week, Alex and I have split. It’s been the hardest, most emotional, and most regrettable thing to coupe with. I don’t know if he will read this on his own or if I will tell him about this part of my post. He knows all about this blog and always believed in it, and me. It would come as no surprise if he is still reading. I am in limbo. I want to share, but I am afraid I won’t go about it in the right way. (Note: he does know about this diagnosis, so that part is no secret.)

I am going to lay my heart on the line here. I am going to try to say things here that I’ve been unable to say to Alex. This post is a blank canvas for my feelings and the secrets of my heart.

Dear Alex,
For 19 months you were my heart and soul, my best friend, my supporter, my lover, my confidant, and you made me the luckiest girl in the world. I still feel that way now. I owe you much more than an apology.  Maybe I shouldn’t say these things in risk of pushing you away. Maybe I shouldn’t post this for the world to see. I don’t know. I don’t have the right answer. All I have is my heart and my apologies.
When we found out about Disney I had big dreams for us. I wanted the experience for us, but I wanted it more for you. I couldn’t have been more excited for you when you got accepted. I knew I was going to miss and I was scared of the unknown, but you never lost my support. We know why I pulled out of the program before the phone interview, and those reasons are ones I live with every day that you are gone. No matter how hard I kick myself, I still find myself overcome with pride for the risk you are taking.
Your reassurance meant more than anything. The encouragement, the hope, the togetherness, the countdowns, the excitement of when I would see you again… it was worth it because I knew you promised we would be together through it all.
At some point my body decided to start changing in ways I couldn’t control, explain, or grasp. I can’t even pinpoint exactly when I started feeling different, I just acknowledge the fact that I was. I thought I was OK, and I thought I could be a tough girl and handle any situation thrown at us. Instead I became weak and vulnerable. The unknown future amplified every thought/feeling/emotion that I felt. My emotions progressively became more unpredictable and unstable. I started saying things I didn’t mean. My loving tone turned into a voice of jealousy and insecurities.
Not only did I say a lot of things I never meant, but I did a lot of things too. I can recall several instances where I saw the hurt in your eyes. I know you looked at me and didn’t recognize the girl sitting next to you. My heart breaks. I was inexcusable. To know how badly I hurt you, and hurt us, makes this all the more devastating. To know there was a real underlying problem, and a real solution available, rips me up inside.
To have you slip away was a punch in the gut and the worlds largest alarm. The words I wouldn’t have said. The “I Love You’s” I could have said instead. The fights I wouldn’t have started. The special moments I could have focused on instead.
It’s never been about one special day. Rather, all the days are special because I get to be with you and call you mine. It’s the daily laughter, fun and adventure. It’s the pinky promises, baseball rivalries and movies nights. It’s the fro-yo, family nights, and 90’s music on the radio! It’s the key chain I made for our anniversary, it’s your thoughtfulness on Valentine’s, and it’s knowing we get to do it all over again tomorrow.  It’s hope as I face this diagnosis. It’s not an excuse, or a crutch. It’s an opportunity to be better and remind you how much you are loved. It’s seeing you through this program, being your biggest support, and hugging you tight every day until the end.
I didn’t think I could love you anymore but this week, as our world continued to shake, I realized whats deep in my heart. It’s you. It’s always been you. And it will continue to be you. The road may not always be easy, but you help make it a beautiful journey. True love is worth fighting for and so are you, Alex.
My heart is pouring out of my chest. Hope is all over my mind. Faith and determination are in my eyes. 

I’ve been a walking heartache. I’ve made a mess of me.The person that I’ve been lately ain’t who I wanna be. But you stay here right beside me. Watch as the storm blows through. And I need you cause God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. And for when I think I’ve lost my way there are no words here left to say, it’s true… God gave me you.

From the deepest part of my heart, I love you! And I am sorry. 333


PS — As I sit here wanting to edit, add, and edit again; I know this is just what I needed to say. Thank you for always being my biggest supporter and fan. Not just in life, but in my writings and this blog.

10 thoughts on “Diagnosed. {Dear Alex}

  1. Samien Newcomb

    I hope getting what you wanted to say off your chest is a big relief to you! You are strong and you will get through this, with or without Alex. Big hugs to you! ❤ And I'm glad you have an answer to your medical issues.

    1. Sabrina Post author

      I was diagnosed about 3 weeks ago also! Nightmare doesn’t begin to describe it. And here I thought everything was just as “normal”.

      Sending many well wishes your way!

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