A few weeks ago Alex had a 9am dentist appointment over in Melbourne Beach which is about a 15 minute drive from home. His aunt is one the receptionists so it’s always a family affair when we go for an appointment. While Alex was in for his cleaning I chatted up his aunt about local places to go for brunch. She recommended two places and after a quick Google search the Scrambled Egg Café caught our attention.
Upon arriving at the café I noticed a Yelp sticker on their front door that sparked my interest. I downloaded the app and created an account. After a delicious breakfast I logged back into Yelp and left a raving review. Which brings me to now…
I was surfing the twitters yesterday when I noticed a few people posted check-ins from Yelp. I became curious and logged back into an account that I had since forgotten. Once logged in, Yelp was asking me to update my profile with more information. Add friends, cities, a quote, and other normal “get-to-know-you” kind of stuff. There was even a line for a blog address. I saved my info without adding my blog. Which is silly because I love my blog!
Why wouldn’t I want to share it?
This all got me thinking. I don’t share my blog with anyone in my day-to-day life except Alex and my best friend. None of my social media applications are interconnected, really.
— I have a personal Facebook, but not one for the blog.
— I don’t share my blog on Facebook, but I do share it on Twitter.
— Twitter is linked to my blog’s email, not my personal email – which is linked to Facebook.
— I don’t link my Twitter posts to my personal Facebook.
— Pinterest does not show my blog.
— Instagram will post to Twitter and Facebook, but that doesn’t show my blog either.
— And I did not list my blog on Yelp.
It’s been nearly two years since my Blog Bullying incident, but I am still hiding in the shadows. I don’t share my blogging with family, friends, or co-works. It’s not something I speak about in my daily life. I am fully aware that if someone really wanted to find my blog, they could, but I go out of my way not to advertise it.
Since my blog is such a big part of me, hiding it makes me feel like I am living a double life. I want to put it out there and I want to share it – after all Share is one of my words for 2013.
Alex says it’s a private thing and I shouldn’t have to share. But I feel like what I am doing (trying to do) is a very public thing. I am in a state of limbo. Torn between life and the blog.
This blog is a part of who I am, who I am becoming. It’s part of my identity now. Just like my need to lose weight, be healthier, achieve a 5k PR, run a half marathon, and cook new foods. It’s all a part of the me I’m trying to create. The me that’s healthier; the me that’s better.
What happened two years ago is still resonating inside me and I’m not sure how to put myself out there again. I am not sure that I can put myself out there.
I’m fearful of the jokes, the ridicule, the judgments, and the finger-pointing.
I am still here, but I am hiding in the shadows trying not to be seen by the most prominent people in my life. I’m also hiding from all my friends “acquaintances” on Facebook. I fear their judgement when they read a blog about my actual weight or that my weight is even an issue.
My blog, this blog, is real. It’s me. Real feelings, real fears, and real life.
Just like I needed your love and support then, I still need it now. It’s not easy to overcome fears and broken hearts. The first step is always the hardest. Hopefully I can find the strength and courage to Share more publicly in 2013!
Thank you, friends, for understanding.