Hiding In The Shadows

A few weeks ago Alex had a 9am dentist appointment over in Melbourne Beach which is about a 15 minute drive from home. His aunt is one the receptionists so it’s always a family affair when we go for an appointment. While Alex was in for his cleaning I chatted up his aunt about local places to go for brunch. She recommended two places and after a quick Google search the Scrambled Egg Café caught our attention.

Upon arriving at the café I noticed a Yelp sticker on their front door that sparked my interest. I downloaded the app and created an account. After a delicious breakfast I logged back into Yelp and left a raving review. Which brings me to now…


I was surfing the twitters yesterday when I noticed a few people posted check-ins from Yelp. I became curious and logged back into an account that I had since forgotten. Once logged in, Yelp was asking me to update my profile with more information. Add friends, cities, a quote, and other normal “get-to-know-you” kind of stuff. There was even a line for a blog address. I saved my info without adding my blog. Which is silly because I love my blog!

Why wouldn’t I want to share it?

This all got me thinking. I don’t share my blog with anyone in my day-to-day life except Alex and my best friend. None of my social media applications are interconnected, really.

— I have a personal Facebook, but not one for the blog.
— I don’t share my blog on Facebook, but I do share it on Twitter.
Twitter is linked to my blog’s email, not my personal email – which is linked to Facebook.
— I don’t link my Twitter posts to my personal Facebook.
Pinterest does not show my blog.
— Instagram will post to Twitter and Facebook, but that doesn’t show my blog either.
— And I did not list my blog on Yelp.

It’s been nearly two years since my Blog Bullying incident, but I am still hiding in the shadows. I don’t share my blogging with family, friends, or co-works. It’s not something I speak about in my daily life. I am fully aware that if someone really wanted to find my blog, they could, but I go out of my way not to advertise it.

Since my blog is such a big part of me, hiding it makes me feel like I am living a double life. I want to put it out there and I want to share it – after all Share is one of my words for 2013.

Alex says it’s a private thing and I shouldn’t have to share. But I feel like what I am doing (trying to do) is a very public thing. I am in a state of limbo. Torn between life and the blog.

This blog is a part of who I am, who I am becoming. It’s part of my identity now.  Just like my need to lose weight, be healthier, achieve a 5k PR, run a half marathon, and cook new foods. It’s all a part of the me I’m trying to create. The me that’s healthier; the me that’s better.

What happened two years ago is still resonating inside me and I’m not sure how to put myself out there again. I am not sure that I can put myself out there.

I’m fearful of the jokes, the ridicule, the judgments, and the finger-pointing.

I’m scared.

I am still here, but I am hiding in the shadows trying not to be seen by the most prominent people in my life. I’m also hiding from all my friends “acquaintances” on Facebook. I fear their judgement when they read a blog about my actual weight or that my weight is even an issue.

My blog, this blog, is real. It’s me. Real feelings, real fears, and real life.

Just like I needed your love and support then, I still need it now. It’s not easy to overcome fears and broken hearts. The first step is always the hardest.  Hopefully I can find the strength and courage to Share more publicly in 2013!

Thank you, friends, for understanding.

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21 thoughts on “Hiding In The Shadows

  1. Lynsey Andal (@LynseyAndal29)

    Nobody in my “real life” reads my blog either. Eric doesn’t even look at it. It’s not that I hide it from him, he’s just not interested in weight loss I guess. I don’t think I will be sharing it any time soon cause it works fine the way it is.

    Reply
    1. Sabrina Post author

      I’ve denied it when asked before and I hate feeling like I need to do that. It’s almost to the point of embarrassment, maybe? I am not sure.

      Reply
  2. mrsalexzan

    I’ve put mine on my personal Facebook and then taken it off a few days later. It’s scary to have every single person you know read about your struggles. But the other day an old co-worker told me she reads my blog and is inspired and wants to start her own blog! I feel like that’s what blogging is about! I felt so touched by her words. Right now I have a link on my about me page on Facebook but I don’t do the auto post after new blog entry. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Laura Yamin (@lryamin)

    Sabrina, Thank you for your honest and vulnerable post. I am pretty open about my blog however it is because I don’t share my personal life day to day activities. The space is just an extension of who I am, its the very things that I share with friends yup I am that kind of honest.

    Here is the gift, I had to really take a look at the relationships in my life. Letting go of those toxic relationships that made me feel less than and unworthy of love and acceptance. I am grateful to have made a conscious choice in the process that the only opinion that truly matters is my own. I appreciate other’s people opinion of me however they are not in charge of sanity and peace of mind.

    I am not saying it has been easy process, however it has been by far the most liberating experience thus. It allowed me to become me, to tap into a place of love and acceptance. Yes it takes a lot of courage to step into your fear and walk through them but it can be done!

    Reply
  4. Sarah Duncan

    None of my friends know about my blog but 1. My husband doesn’t even read it but knows I have one. I feel I need a place that is safe to vent if needed but not hurt feelings or whatever. It is public just no one knows about & it isn’t linked to anything,

    Reply
  5. Real Fit Mom

    The words ‘Melbourne Beach’ caught my eye as I was scrolling through the blogs. I grew up in Indialantic!

    I used to have a different blog where I discussed pretty much everything in my life including being adopted. I ran across a very angry adoptee who ridiculed me on her blog bringing me to tears. I hadn’t shared that blog with my friends and family because I didn’t want to deal with any negativity not realizing strangers could be so mean. I share my current blog but most of my friends don’t read it. I think they’re tired of hearing me whine about trying to lose weight. Lol. Choosing to advertise is a personal choice. One you decide to go public you can never go back. Take time to make your decision. 🙂

    Reply
  6. Marla

    I do not share my blog with friends and family. If they were to stumble over it and ask about it, then I would talk about my blog (or non-existent blog at the moment). My blog is connected to my Twitter account and a tweet does go out every time I post an entry, but none of my family know about my Twitter account (minus my husband) and just a few real life friends. I find that I receive better support from people who are on the same journey as myself then people who are not and just trying to be nice or make me feel better about myself.

    Reply
  7. handimouse

    Hey there, Sabrina … I write a different type of blog than you so I don’t know how relevant my thoughts will be, but here goes.

    Something that you need to understand about bullies … they are afraid of the light of day … they are the ones who hide in the dark and who cannot seem to act alone but need to do so in groups … they are cowards …

    You are not defined by these people … you are defined by who and what you are/do …

    Be brave … forgive what they did and said and then move on … the weight of the world will be removed from your shoulders!

    Remember … tomorrow you may weigh 110 pounds but they will still be cowards …

    You are on an amazing journey! One which is to be commended. One which is being made by countless others. I know from personal experience that it is not an easy journey because I have been trying to make the same journey for years.

    I wish you luck as you travels through life and look forward to reading your posts which encourage me to continue on with my own attempts … As my sister used to often quote: Be bold and great forces will come to your aid … Rennie

    Reply
    1. Sabrina Post author

      No matter what kind of blog we are all still connected. Thank you so much for those gracious words. They have truly touched me tonight. I look forward to visiting your blog soon.

      Be well, and maybe I’ll see you at the Mouse!

      Reply
  8. aneastcoastlife

    I don’t share my blog with real life people either. I don’t necessarily hide it but I don’t really bring it up unless I would be asked. I don’t really see a problem with it – I mean I’d share it with those people I think would enjoy reading but apart from that I don’t really feel the need to share my latest blog posts with all my facebook friends.

    Reply
  9. Shannon (@FabShanneyPants)

    Sabrina I have been wanting to get over here and visit your blog since you left your comment on mine. I am so shocked to see the bullying incident! I cannot even believe anyone would do that, ever, so sorry that happened to you. I personally do share my blog have for years and luckily not had anything of that sort happen. I do get teased a little but the good far out weighs the bad IRL. If you decide to start sharing it in your personal life again maybe really clean out your fb account so you only have real friends and supportive people that will be connecting with your blog. I am sure given your experience you already have done that. Another thing to consider and I am sure you have heard this already. Those people who will tear you down and never as strong as those who will lift you up. Don’t let a few bad people over take the 100’s of good people in your life.
    I am so excited to follow your journey and connect with you!!

    Reply
  10. Bella

    Just like you, I keep my blog separate from my real life too. I don’t link it to FB or to any other public thing. I use Twitter for my blog and use the email associated with it, not my personal one. Only a few of my friends and my sister know about my blog. Even my parents don’t know about it. And I plan on keeping it that way.

    My reasons for not taking my blog fully public are that I don’t want one of my students or their parents to find it, read about my struggle and personal issues, and then have that information. It’s personal. Which sounds paradoxical, since I’m posting it for anyone to read, but it makes sense to me.

    Your reasons for not wanting to put your blog out there are even more serious, and I don’t think you need to make it public in order to SHARE. You share your life with all of us everyday, and considering what’s happened with the people who did find your blog in the past, I think that it makes sense to keep things separate.

    Reply
  11. Samien N (@Nukeswifey)

    I think we all hide for our own reasons. I have a hard time with the full length body pics vs the head shots. In my head I’m thinking, for all the working out I do, I should be thinner, right? But I know that my blog is more for me and my blogging friends and anyone else can kiss off. I love being in touch with you and I’m so glad you’re still blogging and doing YOUR healthy thing! Hugs!

    Reply
  12. activeiris

    Sabrina thank you for sharing your thoughts on sharing! My thoughts about sharing my blog with friends and people on Facebook has always been intimidating to me. I feel like the main reason that I have always second guessed myself is because I feel as if I have started a lot of things in my life and then given up on them, many people know this and this is something that I find embarrassing about myself. In recent months I have stuck to my lifestyle change goals and would hope to be able to confidently share my blog sometime in 2013 – once I am able to build up a solid foundation of content. Thank you for all of your great posts!

    -Iris

    Reply
    1. Sabrina Post author

      Iris, thanks so much for stopping by sharing with me. I, too, feel embarrassed when I don’t accomplish the things I said I would. It’s a horrible feeling and one I hope to work on too!

      I’ll be stopping by your blog to cheer you on!

      Reply

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