I’ve been absent for a month now. It wasn’t all accidental. I lost my footing in world and lost my voice in writing. I felt like I was going in 20 different directions, on the blog and in my daily life. I just couldn’t focus anymore. It’s been an unhealthy trend for me all year-long.
I don’t know if I have any readers left but that’s okay. Last night I found my desire to write again and it doesn’t matter who might read this. I need to re-introduce myself to the world. This is the current state of myself.
- I am a 28-year-old living in Central Florida, working full-time, and taking 1-2 classes a semester towards my Bachelors degree. I feel like I will be in school forever. Sometimes my degree doesn’t seem obtainable.
- I have been blessed with the perfect guy for me. Alex is my rock and a saint. Together we are a match made in Disney heaven.
- In fact, Disney has become my escape from the weight of the world. It’s never that far when I just want to get away.
- I have a 10 and a half-year old Golden Retriever named Chloe. She resembles everything good in this world. Her love for life is one that I could only hope to posses myself.
- I love breakfast foods and could happily eat nothing else as long as I can have an iced coffee too.
- If I could only shop at one store for the rest of my life I would probably be Target. There is nothing I don’t love about that place – just check my bank account.
- You know the saying “If it’s important you’ll find a way. If it’s not you’ll make an excuse.”?
Yes, well that’s my life in a nut shell. I’ve pretty much have an excuse for everything, and I don’t feel like doing much of anything most days.
- I love to read, but haven’t read more than 5 books all year. It’s a damn shame.
- I love everything about exercise – the idea and the action of it. I want to be a runner and I’ve taken steps to get there but I lose sight of my goals and my efforts fall shorts. I just don’t stick with it.
- About my goals; I love setting them but recently that’s where the process starts and stops.
- I’ve noticed my need to organize had dissipated. So has my perpetual need to clean.
- Food is my crutch, my friend, and my enemy. It’s an addiction. It’s an obsession. I have forgotten how to separate my life from food/hunger.
- When I started this blog I weighed 199, that was 3 years ago. Spring of 2011 I was at my lowest adult weight of 181. This morning I weighed in at 222.
- Up 20 pounds from my starting weight and 40 pounds from my lowest. The light at the end of the tunnel seems dimmer each time I step on the scale.
That being said, I have decided to seek professional help because:
- I believe that having a healthy mind supports a healthy body.
- I struggle with happiness, confidence, and trust.
- I can’t be bothered doing things that were once my favorite hobbies.
- I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food since I was a teen.
- I feel lazy and sluggish.
- I don’t come from the most loving or affectionate family.
- I am like my mother in all the wrong ways.
- I want to be a better version of myself. I want to feel like myself.
This year I have lost myself. I don’t feel the same and I don’t action my life with the same sort of gusto as I have in years past. Life is a motion, a leisurely walk with no direction or ambition. That’s it, ambition. I have lost my ambition.
Perhaps I give up to easily, but at some point I always try again. I know my only failure would be to not try again. Finals at school are next week and work is in full holiday mode, but I am desperate to change. Desperate to end the year on a high and make 2013 better. I’ve never struggled quite like this, but I am desperate to feel whole and make things right again.