“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” — Benjamin Franklin
Sometimes we stop writing because our interests change or life takes over. Sometimes we still write but the nature of our writing has shifted. Sometimes there is a new purpose in our writing, or perhaps there isn’t any at all.
This blog started out with a purpose: regain a healthy balance, a healthy body, and a healthy life. I was going to blog my success and failure, triumphs and tribulations. Somewhere in the last three years that has changed. The things I don’t publish on the blog are the things I don’t want the world to know. I stopped writing about my struggles and failures because they became even more frequent than my successes.
When was the last time I posted about a workout, a weight loss, a NSV, or even a healthy recipe? It’s been long enough that I would have to go back in the archives to find an exact date for each one.
This is why I haven’t written.
I have not been writing about my healthiness journey because I have not been succeeding in it.
I love working out which comes from years of dance and other sports while I was growing up. I think about workouts, I crave them, and I love the way I feel when I am done, but I struggle finding that feeling when it matters most – when it’s time to decide: workout or not? I know I can work out (run) on a consistent basis because I ran for nine weeks straight before faltering. Just today I had a great treadmill workout with hills.
Likewise, I enjoy learning about nutrition and food. I love putting that knowledge to work in the kitchen but I tend to go with what is easy and quick rather than what is smart and healthy. After all, calorie counting and healthy choices is what got me to my lowest adult weight. Now I am hovering at my highest adult weight.
When I take an honest look at the situation I can find no excuses. I could blame it on laziness, a bad family relationship, a busy schedule, a difficult financial situation, or even a lack of ability. Who am I trying to fool? Those aren’t valid. There is no reason why my healthiness isn’t a priority on a daily basis.
I keep coming back to the word “comfortable”. Somewhere, inside, I am comfortable enough not to change. I am comfortable with my relationship and that Alex loves me. I am comfortable at school and work. I am comfortable eating out and fueling my iced coffee addictions. Really, I am not THAT comfortable. I wish Alex could love a healthier me. Certain tasks at work could be easier. Getting out of bed wouldn’t be such a drag some mornings.
Truth is: I am rather uncomfortable with my weight.
I want to be healthy.
I want to feel healthy.
I want to feel strong.
I want to be confident.
I want to run (finish) the Tower of Terror 10 miler.
I’ve shed a lot of tears, including the ones I am currently choking back. This struggle is real and it’s been real for most of my life, even during my more active and athletic days.
While the love and support from Alex is more than I imagined having in any relationship, it’s not enough. On the same token, the support from my many (blog) friends has been great, but it’s not enough either. I need something bigger than my relationships or the blog.
I don’t know where to go from here but I do know one thing: I can’t keep gaining weight!
I need help because I can’t keep failing.
I need to learn how to be workout.
I need to learn how to feed (fuel) my body.
I need to learn how to be healthy.
Perhaps it’s not that I need to learn, but RELEARN.
I need my life to be balanced.
My perspective has to change. My focus has to change.
I don’t want to write because I can. I want to write because I am doing something.
I want to write because I am active, healthy, learning, and living.