Why I Have Not Written

“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” — Benjamin Franklin

Sometimes we stop writing because our interests change or life takes over. Sometimes we still write but the nature of our writing has shifted. Sometimes there is a new purpose in our writing, or perhaps there isn’t any at all.

This blog started out with a purpose: regain a healthy balance, a healthy body, and a healthy life. I was going to blog my success and failure, triumphs and tribulations. Somewhere in the last three years that has changed. The things I don’t publish on the blog are the things I don’t want the world to know. I stopped writing about my struggles and failures because they became even more frequent than my successes.

When was the last time I posted about a workout, a weight loss, a NSV, or even a healthy recipe? It’s been long enough that I would have to go back in the archives to find an exact date for each one.

This is why I haven’t written.

I have not been writing about my healthiness journey because I have not been succeeding in it.

I love working out which comes from years of dance and other sports while I was growing up. I think about workouts, I crave them, and I love the way I feel when I am done, but I struggle finding that feeling when it matters most – when it’s time to decide: workout or not? I know I can work out (run) on a consistent basis because I ran for nine weeks straight before faltering. Just today I had a great treadmill workout with hills.

Likewise, I enjoy learning about nutrition and food. I love putting that knowledge to work in the kitchen but I tend to go with what is easy and quick rather than what is smart and healthy. After all, calorie counting and healthy choices is what got me to my lowest adult weight. Now I am hovering at my highest adult weight.

When I take an honest look at the situation I can find no excuses. I could blame it on laziness, a bad family relationship, a busy schedule, a difficult financial situation, or even a lack of ability. Who am I trying to fool? Those aren’t valid. There is no reason why my healthiness isn’t a priority on a daily basis.

I keep coming back to the word “comfortable”. Somewhere, inside, I am comfortable enough not to change. I am comfortable with my relationship and that Alex loves me. I am comfortable at school and work. I am comfortable eating out and fueling my iced coffee addictions. Really, I am not THAT comfortable. I wish Alex could love a healthier me. Certain tasks at work could be easier. Getting out of bed wouldn’t be such a drag some mornings.

Truth is: I am rather uncomfortable with my weight.

I want to be healthy.
I want to feel healthy.
I want to feel strong.
I want to be confident.
I want to run (finish) the Tower of Terror 10 miler.

I’ve shed a lot of tears, including the ones I am currently choking back. This struggle is real and it’s been real for most of my life, even during my more active and athletic days.

While the love and support from Alex is more than I imagined having in any relationship, it’s not enough. On the same token, the support from my many (blog) friends has been great, but it’s not enough either. I need something bigger than my relationships or the blog.

I don’t know where to go from here but I do know one thing: I can’t keep gaining weight!

I need help because I can’t keep failing.
I need to learn how to be workout.
I need to learn how to feed (fuel) my body.
I need to learn how to be healthy.

Perhaps it’s not that I need to learn, but RELEARN.

I need my life to be balanced. 

My perspective has to change. My focus has to change.

I don’t want to write because I can. I want to write because I am doing something.
I want to write because I am active, healthy, learning, and living.

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11 thoughts on “Why I Have Not Written

  1. Bella

    I can relate to this post so much, and because of that, believe me when I tell you that you CAN change your perspective and your priorities. All it takes is wanting the outcome more than you want whatever is keeping you from it. It takes deciding to change and then following through on that change with your actions. It takes a single step in the right direction. You can DO this!!

    Reply
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  3. Lynsey

    Oh I was so there. Just like 2 weeks ago! Now I’m happy to say my mind is in a much better place and boy am I enjoying it! You wouldn’t believe how great a little exercise and calorie counting can make you feel. The control, seeing how much will power you have, the determination….you can do it too! You’ve been there. I still splurge here and there but I make it fit in my allowance or I work it off. Just the fact that things aren’t off limits completely, makes me not want them as bad. It’s crazy!

    You can be and do all of these things…

    I want to be healthy.
    I want to feel healthy.
    I want to feel strong.
    I want to be confident.
    I want to run (finish) the Tower of Terror 10 miler.

    It’ll just take a little work. Get after it! We can keep each other on track!

    Reply
  4. Amy @ Destroyingdeadends

    Have you been living my life recently? I haven’t been writing either and its for the exact same reasons you haven’t been writing. Why would I write when all my writing would be about failure? I hope to be back on the wagon, both in getting healthy and writing. I have one blog post written for tomorrow morning. I just have to stay ahead of the game.

    Reply
  5. chrissarahd

    You have accomplished so much. Writing here is a great outlet but I understand when one doesn’t write. I am guilty of it to. You can do this!!!

    Reply
  6. nancim72

    This post really touched my heart. I know exactly where you are coming from as I am struggling BIG TIME with my weight. I think you are a very strong person to write this post and put it out there, and I admire you greatly for it. Sometimes it helps to be this open, not only to others, but to yourself. I just wanted you to know that while this post was probably very hard for you to write, it is very inspirational to me. Hugs!

    Reply
  7. Becky

    Beautiful and honest words. It’s so hard to write when you aren’t happy with what you have to share. I’ve definitely been there. Take it one week at a time. It’s easy to commit to a week of being healthy. That’s all you need to do. Next week, repeat. Eventually the healthy weeks add up to healthy months and healthy years. That’s what I’m trying to do!

    Reply
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