I Need Her Support

Thank you for all the love regarding yesterday’s post. Your support means the world to me. Truly.

I am still riding the high from running and registering for the race as mentioned in my previous post. However, in terms of support it’s lacking from one important person in my life.

My mother.

I really can’t explain how ecstatic I was on Saturday. Running a mile + and registering for a big race has left me glowing for days. Of course I couldn’t wait to share the news with all of you, but I also wanted to share with my parents.

I rushed to find my parents and blurted the news out to my mom the moment I saw her. Her response?

“That’s stupid. I don’t know why you waste your money at the gym or on races. You’re still fat and you won’t ever stick with it.”

Insert a knife into my heart…

In between tears the only thing I could think to say was “Don’t you want me to have goals? Or be somebody?”

At this point my mother turned and walked away from me. The subject didn’t surface again until Easter lunch on Sunday when my brother asked about the race and again my mother voiced her disapproval. No one said a word and eventually the conversation shifted again.

As an adopted child I always feel like I have to be better and do more to ensure I have my mother’s love.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a place in her heart or in the family. Feeling like I am not good enough for her is a hard pill to swallow. I pray for the moment when she is behind me 100% of the way. I wish she was a mother that wants to celebrate my victories with me. Helping and encouraging me to reach my goals instead of belittling me.

I should be used to the lack of affection because this is how my mother operates. I can’t quite put it to words but in many ways I feel empty. I am missing something, love and support from my mother.

As for my father? He is a quite man but even through his silence I know he supports me and loves me unconditionally. My dad has always been there for me and I am still his little girl.

Throughout my life I vividly remember my dad being there in some way, and always really supportive. Only a hand full of times can I remember my mother’s presence and when she was there it was normally at her benefit. That is still how it goes to this day.

For my most recent 5k, Berry Patch 5k, neither of my parents were there. I didn’t ask my dad as it was my first one of this race season and really early, but I don’t doubt he would have come had I asked. My mother had already told me she was “busy” that day.

Alex’s parents were there cheering and taking pictures. They told us how proud they were, but they aren’t my parents. More specifically, they aren’t my mother.

It stings. I cry. I get myself worked up. Then I try to do something bigger and better to get my mother’s attention.

Maybe what I really want her to say is “I am proud of you and I love you”

That would be a satisfying start. 

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15 thoughts on “I Need Her Support

  1. Lynsey

    Oh my! I don’t even know what to say beside, can I have her number so I can give her an ear full? I ran my first, and only, race by myself. No support from anyone because it just didn’t interest them. It hurt. But it was nothing like what you are talking about. Just be you. If that’s not enough for her she doesn’t need to be a part of your life.

    Reply
  2. Elle

    I’m so sorry Sabrina. I really can’t imagine what that must be like. We’re proud of you out here in blogland though – very, very, very proud.

    Elle

    Reply
  3. Sarah

    Oh my goodness, Sabrina.. I’m so sorry that your mom is that way.. I can’t imagine not having my mom support me.. I know she probably thinks that I will more than likely quit or fail, but she still is supportive..

    Your mom will hopefully realize how mean she’s being and remember what was taught to us (by Thumper in my case): “If ya ain’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.. But I agree with Elle.. We are very proud of you!!

    Reply
  4. Amy @ Destroyingdeadends

    I’m so proud of you too! I have found some struggle with my parents too. My mom reads my blog so I can’t really express my frustrations with my family. I wish I could. Keep up the good work and lets keep pushing eachother!

    Reply
  5. chrissarahd

    I was so sad to see this!! I was so proud of you when I read the last post & could see your smile in the words & then to read this. I am behind you 100% & I know you can do this! Do this for you & hopefully she will soon see how happy this new lifestyle has made you & you are sticking to it!

    Reply
  6. Faith @ For the Health of It

    That’s so rough! You’re doing such wonderful things for your health and your life and to hear that get shattered…that hurts. Just know that you have all of our support, and that your parents do love you and will come around in their own time!

    Reply
  7. didireallysaythat

    Sabrina you and I have a lot in common with this. It’s something that I struggle with all the time. And just when I think I have it figured out, something happens and I realize that I don’t.

    Reply
  8. Becky

    Wow. I am so very very sorry, Sabrina. My family hasn’t been the most supportive of my racing, but they definitely haven’t dropped to belittling me. You ARE special. You ARE worth something. Nothing she says to you can take away those facts, although I’m sure that it destroys you a bit more each time she opens her mouth. I don’t have any good advice on the matter, but I would say that you cannot let your happiness depend on external sources. You are amazing and you choose your destiny. I cannot WAIT until you prove her wrong. 🙂

    Reply
  9. Liz

    This makes me sad for you. You have so much to give and I am so proud of you for your efforts. I wish she could see what we all see so easily!

    Reply
  10. Kate

    My mother can be the same way. After listening to about a thousand podcasts from Jillian Michaels, I can tell you the most important lesson I’ve learned so far is that she is most likely projecting her own insecurities onto you.

    If my mother were to say “That’s stupid. I don’t know why you waste your money at the gym or on races. You’re still fat and you won’t ever stick with it.” to me, I understand that she’s really saying that about herself and it has NOTHING to do with me, or with you for that matter. She may just be insecure in her own body.

    My mother has always struggled with her own weight and so I am starting to recognize these kinds of statements as statements that she tells herself and not me. These kind of things have given me so much agony over the years and now that I’ve learned that they’re not really about me, I can move past them and become the person I’m meant to be. And so can you.

    I wish I could give you a specific Jillian podcast to listen to or a book to read, but she talks about this in practically every other podcast, especially when she takes a call. I know Bethenny Frankel also touches base on this in her “Place of Yes” book.

    Meditate on the times your mother has ridiculed you and reconsider that it may not have been about you at all, and it’s time for you to move forward. Good luck!!

    Reply
  11. Katie J

    Sabrina, I could have written that same exact post. I am also adopted and feel the need of my mother’s approval. While she has not said something rude like that in years, it still stings from when I was younger. I never felt worthy and still have some self esteem issues which stem from it. My dad was a quiet man also but he was my biggest cheerleader. He passed away 13 years ago today.

    Ironically, my mother has only recently started saying she is proud of me, impressed with how I handle things and that I am strong. I have waited my entire life to hear that. I shouldn’t have had to wait 45 years!

    I don’t have any words of wisdom but please try not to let her get to you. I know it is not easy but whatever her reason for spouting BS like that, it is negative and you don’t need negative in your life. Maybe you should take a little break from seeing her. Just try to focus on the positives like Alex, his parents support and the love out here in blogland.

    My email is katiejisonherway at gmail dot com in case you wanted to chat offline. BIG hugs to you.

    Reply
  12. Pingback: Magic on a Monday Night | Coffee With Sabrina

  13. Jaime

    It took me a long time to realize that some of the things my mom said to me were uncalled for and probably not really about me. I tried to talk to her about it a couple times, but she just got defensive about the whole issue. I can’t reason with her or control her actions, so I just stopped worrying about them. It’s a hard pill to swallow to realize that your mother is never going to be the way you want her to be. Sorry you have to go through this, but so glad that you have many other blessings and goodness in your life 🙂

    Reply

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