Each of you come to read my blog for different reasons. Whatever those reasons, thank you. Tonight, you are in for a treat, because I am holding nothing back.
I dusted an old journal off my bookshelf. It was long before I decided I should take my own advice, and even before the food hit me in the face. My food and fitness journal had been in hiding for far too long.
Last Monday I decided to do some tracking. Well, the numbers don’t lie.
- Breakfast @ 8am – 345 calories
- Snack @ 10am – 440 calories
- Lunch @ 12:30pm – 693 calories
- After lunch snack @ 1pm – 25 calories
1503 calories by 1pm. Honestly, I didn’t even track after that. I left work around 6pm, ran some errands with the boy and then went to dinner at a local establishment. They don’t have nutritional information published, but I am sure dinner was at least 1200 calories all on its own. Lightly fried chicken breast and bacon on a bun with their special BBQ sauce. Don’t forget that side of Sweet Potato fries.
That’s just one day of eating. Surprisingly enough, seeing those number on the page didn’t raise any red flags to me. Ignorance is bliss?
This afternoon I found myself snacking on some Chocolate Peanut Butter malted balls. At which point I thought “what the hell am I doing?”. I walked back to my desk and opened up my laptop. Without hesitation I typed www.myfitnesspal.com into the browser and I had to create a new account. I actively used MyFitnessPal for a while, but earlier this summer I deleted my account. Deleting my account was probably the first mistake that got me where I am today.
The first thing most weight loss/fitness related sites will ask is your weight and weight goals. Considering I haven’t officially stepped on a scale in months, I knew there would be no time like the present. When I looked down I was not prepared for what I saw. I stepped on and off the scale a few more times, and each time getting the same number.
Never, in all my struggles, did I think I could end up here. 202.6 pounds.
Just one year ago I was at my lowest weight, while actively blogging that is. Knowing that in the course of a year I have gone from 187.4 to 202.6 disappoints me. What really hurts is that I know, without a doubt, 95% of that weight has crept back on over the last few months when I just didn’t care.
202.6 pounds. I can’t get that number out of my head. I can not fathom that I am weighing in over 200 pounds. Despite knowing how it happened, I am in disbelief that it actually happened to me. I guess I thought I was invincible. Talk about a reality check.
MyFitnessPal gave me a calorie goal of 1680 per day.
My goal used to be 1420.
I feel so lost. I don’t know what not to eat. I don’t know when to stop eating. I don’t know what I should eat. I just don’t know where to start.
I am in a horrible place where food is my enemy, and my best friend, all at the same time.
1680, is that enough?! I am pretty sure I eat more than that everyday!
But maybe it’s too much?! I hate numbers. I hate math. I don’t know how to do this anymore.
I feel like I can’t stop myself.
I feel like this is a fight I just can’t win.