The Numbers of Truth

Each of you come to read my blog for different reasons. Whatever those reasons, thank you. Tonight, you are in for a treat, because I am holding nothing back.

I dusted an old journal off my bookshelf. It was long before I decided I should take my own advice, and even before the food hit me in the face. My food and fitness journal had been in hiding for far too long.

Last Monday I decided to do some tracking. Well, the numbers don’t lie.

  • Breakfast @ 8am – 345 calories
  • Snack @ 10am – 440 calories
  • Lunch @ 12:30pm – 693 calories
  • After lunch snack @ 1pm – 25 calories

1503 calories by 1pm. Honestly, I didn’t even track after that. I left work around 6pm, ran some errands with the boy and then went to dinner at a local establishment. They don’t have nutritional information published, but I am sure dinner was at least 1200 calories all on its own. Lightly fried chicken breast and bacon on a bun with their special BBQ sauce. Don’t forget that side of Sweet Potato fries.

That’s just one day of eating. Surprisingly enough, seeing those number on the page didn’t raise any red flags to me. Ignorance is bliss?

This afternoon I found myself snacking on some Chocolate Peanut Butter malted balls. At which point I thought “what the hell am I doing?”. I walked back to my desk and opened up my laptop. Without hesitation I typed into the browser and I had to create a new account. I actively used MyFitnessPal for a while, but earlier this summer I deleted my account. Deleting my account was probably the first mistake that got me where I am today.

The first thing most weight loss/fitness related sites will ask is your weight and weight goals. Considering I haven’t officially stepped on a scale in months, I knew there would be no time like the present. When I looked down I was not prepared for what I saw. I stepped on and off the scale a few more times, and each time getting the same number.

Never, in all my struggles, did I think I could end up here. 202.6 pounds.

Just one year ago I was at my lowest weight, while actively blogging that is. Knowing that in the course of a year I have gone from 187.4 to 202.6 disappoints me. What really hurts is that I know, without a doubt, 95% of that weight has crept back on over the last few months when I just didn’t care.

202.6 pounds. I can’t get that number out of my head. I can not fathom that I am weighing in over 200 pounds. Despite knowing how it happened, I am in disbelief that it actually happened to me. I guess I thought I was invincible. Talk about a reality check.

MyFitnessPal gave me a calorie goal of 1680 per day.
My goal used to be 1420.

I feel so lost. I don’t know what not to eat. I don’t know when to stop eating. I don’t know what I should eat. I just don’t know where to start.

I am in a horrible place where food is my enemy, and my best friend, all at the same time.

1680, is that enough?! I am pretty sure I eat more than that everyday!
But maybe it’s too much?! I hate numbers. I hate math. I don’t know how to do this anymore.

I feel like I can’t stop myself.

I feel like this is a fight I just can’t win.


15 thoughts on “The Numbers of Truth

  1. Jen, a priorfatgirl

    1) 1600 is a good goal, in my opinion. That said, if it feels too low, maybe you make your goal 1800 for two weeks until you get acclimated to that and then drop to 1700 for a week or two and then drop to 1600.

    2) I don’t believe you when you say you don’t know what to eat. I KNOW you know what to eat. And I KNOW you know a cookie for AM is not the best choice – maybe some protien or veggies is a better snack

    3) I never in my life saw a 200 calorie banana. i googled “calories in large banana” and the first few results that came up suggested 153.

    4) we all keep coming back because we believe in you. i believe in you. Stand up and take this one day at a time. You are strong enough. You deserve to be healthy.

  2. Amy@destroyingdeadends

    I am so where you are but moving forward every day. Just keep your head up and dont dwell on the bad days. I was snacking on Halloween candy while reading and I just got up and threw it in the trash can. I have good and bad days. I just keep plugging through because I have to. I can’t be this fat anymore! I’m sick of feeling this way.

    As far as food, I’ve had to make sure I have quick healthy snacks available or I am going to have more weak moments with the candy bars and sugar *my weakness*. I also have to keep breakfast food in my house to keep myself from giving in to the McDonald’s urges. I guess what I am saying is just give yourself an excuse to get out of those weak moments.

    Oh and Sara is right.

  3. makingovermerbear

    Sabrina, I think with the #f2fpack, chatting actively on FB and Twitter (I saw you in the fitblog chat tonight!), blogging your feelings, challenges, successes, plans and goals!

    About this time last year I looked at the scale and had about the same reaction as you, I felt like poop and I didn’t know what to do…but then I thought about it..and like Jen said, we know what to eat, we know how to set ourselves up for success, we know how to meal plan, how to shop, we can do this!! YOU CAN DO THIS! 🙂

  4. krisgetshealthy

    Oh Sweety (hugs!!!!)
    You can win! You just have to not give up the fight! Remember it is about creating a deficit right? Basics.
    You have support in friends, both there with your boyfriend and other friends, and online with the #f2fpack right? You have the tools, and the know how!

    See here is the thing, you did it before! You lost weight, you got to your lowest weight before you can do it again I know you can. I know you lost your data from MyFitnessPal so you don’t have your old plan, but you remember the basics right?

    Stop eating out (for the love of god buffalo wild wings is not your friend! bww=bbw just remember that!), plan your meals, plan your treats. if you are having the `bux make it skinny or make it a tea. Round calories in those drinks up if you have milk in them. Your journal page there definatly is lacking a bit of… REAL food. If you are back to being a veggie-head that is fine, but things like hard boiled eggs, cans of tuna, salads, oatmeal (remember that Minesota made betteroats oatmeal) REAL whole food, things with bulk and fiber are going to help you more than a cookie and fries. Remember you need to get your water in. WATER WATER WATER.
    Keep reminding yourself that you did this before! You know what you have to do, make the commitment to yourself. We all know you are worth it, you know you are worth it, so put on the big girl panties, strap on the roller blades and I will give you a push!

    Love you sweets, you can do this! I promise you can! Just take it one day at a time!

  5. Lynsey

    We’ve all been there. I stepped on the scale and saw 216 in April. I lost a little and was able to maintain but wasn’t really trying. Then in June I’d had enough. On the 21st I was 208 and I decided to quite drinking coke and stop having fast food. Just 2 days later I decided to really get real about it and my starting weight was 204.8. Today I’m up a little from the past few days but I’m at 157.6. I’ve never been this weight as long as I’ve been an adult. I know I still have a ways to go but I’m getting there. You can do it too!

  6. Jaime

    Same thing happened to me – I’m not the first person to say this, so take solace that you are not alone! I went through a funk last winter where I didn’t care about working out or eating right or the fact that I had gained so much weight that I had to buy new work pants. I just started forcing myself to get back on a workout schedule at first – I didn’t worry as much about my diet. When I work out regularly though, I naturally eat better because I have more energy for my workouts then. Maybe if tracking all the calories is too much for you right now, you should try something else. I cannot track – I do much better when I follow a more whole foods approach. WW has the simply fulfilling plan that doesn’t require tracking all the time. Regardless of what you do, I’m glad you’re back – I enjoy reading your blog 🙂

  7. Ann @ Twelve In Twelve

    Sending lots of love and support from Minnesota (your home away from home!). There are lots of programs and advice out there, and I think you are smart to do some research and find out what’s going to be best for you – calorie, “plan”, activity. Some people like counting calories, and some like counting “points”. Some people are restrictive and ONLY eat certain foods, and some people try to “eat healthier”. Some people have daily activity to x minutes, or x calories, or with a certain race or goal in mind. Whatever is going to work for YOU, and ONLY YOU, Sabrina – that is your plan. This is about you and your journey, and using tools that are specific and helpful to you, that will assist in reaching your goals.

    We all believe in you, support you, and love you. You can do this lady – one step at a time, one day at a time, ONE MEAL AT A TIME. Just take it slow and make healthy choices – one thing at a time. You can do it!!! ❤

  8. saroover

    Oh no! I hate when that happens. I mean, you know that the numbers are gonna hit you in the face, then you step on the scale and HOLYCRAPTHISMUSTBEWRONG. :-/ You’ll get through it. I mean I read your next post and your boy seems to really understand and THAT will go a long way in helping with all the pitfalls and such. YOU CAN DO IT!

  9. Pingback: Be Thankful #3 | Coffee With Sabrina

  10. MB

    You absolutely can win this fight. Maybe it’s time to forget about the numbers and concentrate on the little things you can do everyday to get you closer to where you want to be, eat more fruits and veggies, drink lots and lots of water and keep moving. You can do it!!!

  11. Pingback: The One Where My Pants Wouldn’t Button | Coffee With Sabrina

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