Tonight I have a meeting to go to. Nothing fancy, just casual jeans and tee shirt kind of deal. I decided to shower and get ready late this afternoon, so I could still have dinner before the meeting. I did my hair and make-up then made my way to my bedroom to find something to get dressed. I spent 30 minutes taking clothes on and off. I couldn’t find  anything to wear! And mind you, it was only about 75 degrees outside so it’s not like I was trying to bundle up. 
30 minutes of torture. 30 minutes realizing I HATE the way my clothes fit. 30 minutes to finally give up and decide it really didn’t matter how I looked. 
After 30 minutes of horror, I stood naked in front of my closet doors (which are mirrors) and looked at my reflection with disgust. I looked at every inch, pudge, and roll. I am not normally so negative but who was that girl staring back at me? Not the girl I want to see when I look in the mirror!   
It was a painful realization of the truth. I am fat. I am a fat girl. That’s not being hard on myself because it is the truth. I have allowed my weight to get away from me and now I am fat. I can even say I hate who I see in the mirror. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my body would look like this. 
Personally, I am really unhappy with my body. Before today I knew I wanted to change how I looked. I knew I wanted to be skinner, more attractive, and feel healthier. Last week I had my hair colored a little darker and trimmed, and I got a manicure and pedicure. Maybe subconsciously I was trying to pretty myself up, but none of the superficial changes will make me feel OK with how my body looks. 
I don’t like being the fat girl, or just the pretty face. I feel gross when I wear my clothes. What girl wants to feel that way when they get dressed in the morning? I feel gross when I go out, when I look at pictures, and when I workout. I love myself, so much that sometimes I am full of myself, so that is not the issue. I don’t love the fat. Or how I am feeling with all this fat on my body! I am not the confident person that I should be.

Today the perception I have of myself really changed. Taking that step back and looking at my naked self in the mirror was probably the best thing I could have done. I have never actually admitted to anyone that I am fat. Hell, I honestly don’t think I have admitted it to myself! How can I try to lose weight and blog about it without being honest that I am fat
I have already admitted that I have a problem with food. Which can be read Here or HERE. Not once, in the last 6 years of gaining weight or 4 months of blogging, have I come out and said that I am a fat girl! I never wanted to admit that to anyone. If I were to admit it, then that makes it true and I never wanted to be a fat girl. 

This fat has to come off! Some way, some how! 
FAT. Ugh. That is such a gross word. Now that I have admitted I am fat, to myself and all of you, hopefully I can move forward and shed this weight. Now I am more committed than ever to losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. My dreams and future plans never included fat. I have no intentions to be the fat lady when I get older. 

In fact, I am going to be the healthy and active lady! 


8 thoughts on “FAT!!!

  1. Michelle

    I hate that word….. fat. People often think the word ‘fat’ somehow evaluates your self worth and it does NOT.

    I remember when I taught English in S. Korea the students would say things like “teacher, you’re fat” and it wasn’t meant as an insult. It was just a physical description of me. In North America that word is such an ugly word but over there it was just a description. But still, it hurt.

  2. Blubeari

    Can I just absolutely say I know how you feel? I feel that way when I got shopping. It’s not a good feeling. But you’ve made wonderful progress so far; you can definitely keep it going.

  3. Becky

    that mirror…..eesh. It’s my best friend and worst friend all at the same time. I’m sorry that you hated the way you looked in the mirror today, but hopefully it will be exactly what drives you to eat right and work out. It was for me. Eventually you won’t be able to stop checking yourself out in the mirror! Your commitment is all that is required to become the person you want to be. I can’t wait to see your results!

  4. Brett

    I know exactly how you feel – I have 4 different sizes of clothes in my closet. But, here is what I do so I don’t get so down on myself and keep myself motivated. When I am having a bad day where I am beating myself up and feeling like a huge, fat girl – I put on a pair of jeans that are one size too big for me and a tighter fitting top – all my fat is in my butt and thighs – ugh!!! Somehow having that bit of looseness in my pants makes me want to stick to my program and have them be even BIGGER on me!!!

    Keep up the great work – this week is a HORROR to even thin people – Have a good one!

  5. Shannie (akaSolidice242)

    Interesting post. I have been at the point where you are now, I will probably be there tomorrow who knows. And there isn’t anything wrong with feeling the way you do. But when you look in the mirror don’t see your body in a negative way. Face what you have to face and then focus on the positive because losing weight won’t change how you feel about your body there will always be something that you can find that you think could change. But what do I know maybe I am reading too much into your rant! You will get where you want to be!

  6. Kristi

    I know exactly how you feel. There have been many times where my floor in bedroom ends up littered with clothes because nothing fits, nothing looks good, and I want to give up and cry, and sometimes I do.
    As long as you know you want to change you will do it. Just know a lot of people are in the same boat as you, me included. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

  7. gettingfitfor50

    Those are the same words that I said to myself just recently, and is the reason that I’m on the same journey as you – to a healthier, active and fit lady.

    Visualize yourself thinner, and don’t beat yourself up when you look in the mirror. Love who you are, and embrace the person you see, because you do love her, and tell her that she’s going to love the way she’s going to look soon!


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