Tonight I have a meeting to go to. Nothing fancy, just casual jeans and tee shirt kind of deal. I decided to shower and get ready late this afternoon, so I could still have dinner before the meeting. I did my hair and make-up then made my way to my bedroom to find something to get dressed. I spent 30 minutes taking clothes on and off. I couldn’t find anything to wear! And mind you, it was only about 75 degrees outside so it’s not like I was trying to bundle up.
30 minutes of torture. 30 minutes realizing I HATE the way my clothes fit. 30 minutes to finally give up and decide it really didn’t matter how I looked.
After 30 minutes of horror, I stood naked in front of my closet doors (which are mirrors) and looked at my reflection with disgust. I looked at every inch, pudge, and roll. I am not normally so negative but who was that girl staring back at me? Not the girl I want to see when I look in the mirror!
It was a painful realization of the truth. I am fat. I am a fat girl. That’s not being hard on myself because it is the truth. I have allowed my weight to get away from me and now I am fat. I can even say I hate who I see in the mirror. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my body would look like this.
Personally, I am really unhappy with my body. Before today I knew I wanted to change how I looked. I knew I wanted to be skinner, more attractive, and feel healthier. Last week I had my hair colored a little darker and trimmed, and I got a manicure and pedicure. Maybe subconsciously I was trying to pretty myself up, but none of the superficial changes will make me feel OK with how my body looks.
I don’t like being the fat girl, or just the pretty face. I feel gross when I wear my clothes. What girl wants to feel that way when they get dressed in the morning? I feel gross when I go out, when I look at pictures, and when I workout. I love myself, so much that sometimes I am full of myself, so that is not the issue. I don’t love the fat. Or how I am feeling with all this fat on my body! I am not the confident person that I should be.
Today the perception I have of myself really changed. Taking that step back and looking at my naked self in the mirror was probably the best thing I could have done. I have never actually admitted to anyone that I am fat. Hell, I honestly don’t think I have admitted it to myself! How can I try to lose weight and blog about it without being honest that I am fat?
I have already admitted that I have a problem with food. Which can be read Here or HERE. Not once, in the last 6 years of gaining weight or 4 months of blogging, have I come out and said that I am a fat girl! I never wanted to admit that to anyone. If I were to admit it, then that makes it true and I never wanted to be a fat girl.
This fat has to come off! Some way, some how!
FAT. Ugh. That is such a gross word. Now that I have admitted I am fat, to myself and all of you, hopefully I can move forward and shed this weight. Now I am more committed than ever to losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. My dreams and future plans never included fat. I have no intentions to be the fat lady when I get older.
In fact, I am going to be the healthy and active lady!