When I first set out to lose weight and start a new, healthy, lifestyle it was not because I had some epiphany or an emotional moment. I only wanted to become a better me. I don’t believe I ever hit rock bottom with my weight. Heck, I am not certain I know what rock bottom feels like. But after the last few days I may have had a glimpse.
I don’t know if I am ready to blog about this. I still don’t know what I am thinking or feeling, even after an entire sleepless night. But I do know I need my blog to be a safe place for me. I need to be able to trust my blog and be honest with myself.
For the last several days my calorie tracking has been non-existent. I have not done a complete workout since Sunday. Instead of forward progress, I am in a backward free fall. To say it has been anything less than a binge would be an understatement.
An avalanche would be a great way to describe things. This week started with poor eating choices; it felt good and liberating. I knew it was wrong but I got it in my head that I didn’t need a stupid lifestyle change. By mid week I felt like I was coming down with a cold, which has not helped the situation. Then, I got some heart breaking news. A friend, that I just saw three weeks ago, went from good health to being in the hospital. She has cancer. Today she buying her time, counting her blessings and going home with hospice. All I can do is pray.
I have been so strung out all week. Last night all I could do was curl up in a ball and cry. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I felt so many emotions but nothing at the same time. I really did not want to eat. The funny thing is, the only thing that seemed to make sense was a package of soft baked chocolate fudge cookies and a bottle of Dr. Pepper. I have ate more crap and junk food this week then I have in months!!
I have gone from totally gung-ho to becoming completely unsure if I am really ready to dedicate myself to a new lifestyle. It is hard work that takes determination, perseverance, and courage. Life happens and I don’t always have the strength to follow through and stay the course.
What is rock bottom? Losing all self control and common sense? Staying up all night racking my brain about what is going on? Sitting on the couch, cringing to a bottle of water and praying for the answers? Self doubt? Or just doubting everything I believe in? I know it’s different for everyone, but did I just hit mine?
Writing this blog is hard. I sit here in limbo between giving up or fighting harder. It’s forcing me to see my weakness written before me and for all the world to judge. I am going to wrap this up before I get too emotional. I am not going to make promises to myself or to anyone else. What I can say is that I am going to stay focused on my goals. I am going to have faith that I will put myself back together and stay the course that I have planned.
In time, I will succeed.